A Breast Cancer Story

This will be a brief post. My life, at the moment is filled with the needs of a family in distress. Someone close to me is losing her battle with bone cancer, someone relatively young, someone who only four years ago suffered the loss of her four month old baby boy, got breast cancer almost directly after and then bone cancer after that. 

The story would be unbelievable if it weren't true. Her husband is now losing his wife on top of all the rest. My mind is numb, my heart aches and there is nothing I can do but be there, to chat as if we had all the time in the world with a degree of presence that betrays that we don't. 

The next 3 to 6 weeks will be a very intense lesson in letting go and letting be. It feels strange to me and runs contrary to the desire to control things either literally by waving a magic wand and making her better, or via the mental gymnastics of finding some sense in it. But, there is no where to go in either direction. She is beyond all human help and the whole experience feels like it both makes sense and doesn't at the same time.

This is a liminal space and a sacred space--a womb-like space that is both unsettlingly dark and scary, while also intensely intimate and warm, alive with all the vibrancy of heartfelt human connectedness.

I have no answers as to why she must suffer as she has, or why any of us suffer as we do. But I do feel that it requires my respect and reverence. 

 Please remember my vulnerable friend in your contemplative moments. Much peace to you all.

Alturism and Ayn Rand

I’m no expert on Ayn Rand nor her philosophy, but I find her thought provoking. She says:

“What is the moral code of altruism? The basic principle of altruism is that man has no right to exist for his own sake, that service to others is the only justification of his existence, and that self-sacrifice is his highest moral duty, virtue and value.” –Ayn Rand

She goes on to point out that altruism ought not to be confused with kindness or good will, or respect for the rights of others. She seems to assert that altruism makes these impossible via the demand for self-sacrifice, which she equates with self-immolation, self-abnegation, self-denial, self-destruction, all of which define the self as a standard of evil.  In her own words:

“Do not hide behind such superficialities as whether you should or should not give a dime to a beggar. That is not the issue. The issue is whether you do or do not have the right to exist without giving him that dime. The issue is whether you must keep buying your life, dime by dime, from any beggar who might choose to approach you. The issue is whether the need of others is the first mortgage on your life and the moral purpose of your existence.” (www.aynrandlexicon.com).

I hope that she is not speaking of people in real need such as children, the elderly and others who are vulnerable, through no fault of their own, and depend on the above-mentioned kindness and goodwill of those close to them.

Her main objection seems to be the idea of self-sacrifice. Near as I can tell her argument is one that places the value of self-care above that of caring for others, for the simple reason that one does not have much to give otherwise. 

As in the oft quoted dictum of Jesus, for example, which says we should love our neighbours as ourselves, not in place of ourselves.

If we do not take responsibility for our own lives, we don’t have much to give to anyone else, and it is a poor model to relate to our children that they are not here to enjoy being alive, but that they must sacrifice themselves on the altar of someone else’s existence in order to justify their own—that is just backwards!

Basic self-respect needs to be the place from which we live our lives and on which we base our decisions—our highest virtue. We need to remember that self-care, self-responsibility and self-respect are not values that exist mutually exclusive of kindness, empathy and compassion for others either. 

We just need to remember that we are not more responsible for the lives of others than they are themselves, with minor exceptions (children etc.).

I vote for a little more of the right kind of self-involvement: plumbing our depths through journaling, taking a long walk, getting a much needed, much deserved massage…the possibilities are endless. 

Help yourself and you by default help the world around you. You will be much more pleasant and interesting to be around at the very least! ;)

Again, I’m no expert on Ayn Rand, but I think there is something to the notion of the primary purpose in anyone’s life being to take the best care of that life that is possible, mind you, not at any expense. 

Perhaps this is where Ayn Rand and I part ways.

What is Your Relationship to the Present Moment?

We have all heard that we should be in the present, live in the moment, but it wasn’t until I read Tolle that a piece of the puzzle fell a little more into place for me regarding the fundamental relevance and importance of this.

Life arises and exists only in the present moment. The past and the future are conceptual, not actual, though we all have a tendency to treat them as though they were a present reality. The past and the future can exist as important sources of inspiration and hope, but if we try to source life there, we will starve ourselves for lack of real nourishment.

The vitality and passion of life exist only in the present moment along with all the chaos, disappointment and pain. The chaos is why it is fairly common to seek shelter in a fictionalized past or future. 

Unfortunately, when we set ourselves in opposition to the present moment we reject life as a whole, as it is. Not only do we not lose life’s pain, suffering and challenges when we do this, but we lose its vitality and passion as well—a losing proposition all round. Thus, we need to embrace the whole package. How do we do this?

We do this by aligning ourselves with the present moment, making friends with it, regardless of what is manifesting there. 

We choose not to treat the present moment as an enemy that needs to be annihilated, for if we do take this offensive/defensive posture, life will become a self fulfilling prophecy of unrest, elevated stress and lack of peace. 

When we befriend the present moment it likewise befriends us, it always mirrors our internal state of affairs back to us. In the end there is no real escape. Life is now, not before, not later…Now.

Tolle suggests we periodically ask ourselves this vital question: What is my relationship with the present moment? It is a question that unveils the ego that thinks it knows better what should be happening. Note that this never changes what is actually happening. 

Immersion in the present allows us to take in all the information and details that are important for making informed choices and decisions, that will irrevocably impact and shape future present moments. 

Decisions rooted in wishful thinking can only wreak more of the havoc we'd all rather avoid.

Our relationship with life is the fundamental basis out of which our experiences arise. 

Being present empowers us to make more informed choices, non-reactive choices, that don’t pointlessly argue with life as it is, facilitating the ability to move through all the ups and downs with a little less drama and a little more class.

Getting Off Gaia's Back - A Rant!

“I sit on a man’s back, choking him and making him carry me, and yet assure myself and others that I am very sorry for him and wish to ease his lot by all possible means—except by getting off his back.” – Leo Tolstoy

This Tolstoy said regarding the irresponsible attitude of aristocrats, in 19^th century Russia, toward their serfs. Something similar could be said regarding our attitude toward the earth—need I mention global warming and the raping of land and sea for resources that feed our desire to be as comfortable and inconvenienced as possible?

But, let’s think for a moment about matters of comfort and inconvenience. Can it not be argued, that it is the discomfort of sitting too long that makes us do something as simple and intuitive as get up and move around? And is this not desirable for health, wealth and beauty? Or, is it not the inconvenience of having no vehicle that compels us to walk or ride our bicycle, working off a little stress and raising endorphins in the process?

It seems to me that we may have developed a warped sense of what is desirable in terms of comfort and convenience. Do we really need a mattress that is almost two feet thick in order to have a good night’s sleep? Is it necessary to drive vehicles with individual seats large enough, almost, to fit two modestly sized people, vehicles large in every other sense too (gas guzzlers that barely fit into the confines of your average parking space) just to get from point A to point B?

Being comfortable is less the issue, than the fact that we have developed dangerous habits of mind governed largely by our investment in status of various sorts. Because let’s face it, often we are motivated to make new purchases not out of actual need, but because we place greater value on something like staying current and comfortable, or being hip and attractive, than we do on being responsible custodians of the earth.

Our willful ignorance and other lazy, self-interested habits are leading us all down a path that will eventually come very much at our own expense. We can all do better. 

We can choose to define ourselves less by what we may or may not own or acquire, and more by the quality of our compassion and openness of our hearts. 

We can also choose to see that many changes in lifestyle are not so much compromises in quality of life, comfort or convenience, as they are a shift in values which place the well being of the earth right up there with our other concerns.

A little minor inconvenience and discomfort never hurt anyone. Truly. On the contrary, as outlined above, these very often render big improvements in mind, body, spirit and soul.

Need inspiration? Check out Yes Magazine or Resurgence. Together we can make a difference!