Mental and Emotional Renewal

With the arrival of spring has come the urge for a little mental and emotional house cleaning. Specifically, a review of habits, dreams and desires to see which are serving and which are not.

It always surprises me the extent to which I can get lost in a particular way of functioning, forgetting to check in with myself now and again to see if the path I’m on is taking me where I really want to go—places in closer alignment with current values and aspirations.

For example, for many years now I have been writing this blog with no real purpose in mind. I started it so I would have a venue to continue practicing the craft of writing (I love words, books, the musicality of language … all of it). What I never expected was that my writing would resonate with so many others, that anyone would really care about what I was saying. And so I have found myself in a predicament.

Who am I to hold myself up as an authority to help anyone? I don’t mean this in any self-deprecatory way, it is just that when I write it is a free exercise in the creative expression of things I feel challenged by in my own life—a note to self, nothing more. I’m not an expert. I haven’t solved these common human dilemmas. I’m still wrestling with angels.

Also, I’m as ordinary as the day is long and have no wish to be otherwise. I have struggled with all the fervor around the cult of celebrity, and the pressure to be a star of some kind—note worthy, special—but I think it’s a trap. For me it takes away from the intimacy of all that is small, ordinary and beautiful that I have come to value in life. For as the Irish poet Patrick Kavanagh points out:

                                 “Ordinary things wear lovely wings.”

Washing dishes, gardening, cleaning and hanging laundry out to dry are all very ordinary activities that hold the potential for transcendent experience if we are awake and alive to what we are doing and how we are doing it. I don’t want to miss any of this. For me, this is the point in being alive at all. It is how I care for myself and convey my love for others.

So, I will continue dear reader to write, but not with a view toward solving problems as much as giving voice to them, exploring their particular shape, texture and colour to see what can be evoked that may be of some use. That’s all I’ve got.

And, I believe, that is all anyone can really lay honest claim to.

So concludes my little sprout of an offering on this fine spring day.

Still Worshiping at the Altar of Control?

Life is never going to be a straight forward or easy affair, and yet it seems to me that we all put a lot of energy into trying to make it both those things, then end up feeling like we have somehow failed at life when it continues to be what it is—a complex system that is as dependent on destruction as it is on creation.

Which is to say, that chaos will always be a constant in life to varying degrees.

That is the ground of our reality, so (it seems to me anyway)  we need to adjust our expectations to be in alignment with that truth.

There is tremendous freedom here if we can manage it.

Once we acknowledge and accept this very basic premise, it is easy to see how futile attempting rigid control over our life is. And if a rigid focus on control is not necessarily advisable, what course of action might be?

Letting things be is often a good idea—letting life flow unimpeded by our grand schemes and (let’s face it) self-interested desires to feel little pain, to only be inconvenienced in minor ways, to be always happy and cheerful, rich and full of the overflowing love, warmth and support of others … sound a little unrealistic? Of course it does. 

Listening may have its place too.

The artist Kiki Smith has an interesting perspective I’d like to share at this juncture:

"You can have fantasies about having control over the world, but I know I can barely control my kitchen sink. That is the grace I’m given. Because when one can control things, one is limited to one’s own vision.”

One’s own, possibly ass-backwards vision, let’s underline. I mean, let’s face it, do we always really know what is in our ultimate best interest? Or are we merely afraid of facing the vast black of the unknown in and all around us?

Are we going to allow our fear to be the driver of all the decisions we make, building (in the process) better defenses against life, rather than letting it in, and letting it work on us—making us stronger, kinder and emotionally more supple? 

We have choices, and they all come with a specific set of consequences. 

A focus on control, driven by fear as it usually is, comes with the side-effects of a calcified heart and mind, anxiety, trouble sleeping, digestive problems and trouble letting in all that might act as a healing balm—love, compassion, contentment.

We need to question the dominant culture’s tendency to worship at the altar of control and examine the ways in which control may be having malignant effects in our life.

For life can only nourish our existence when it circulates freely through open channels. So I say, keep the channels open.

Think about it.

Why Experiencing Failure Doesn't Mean YOU are a failure ...

What a liberating thought, that experiencing failure doesn’t make us a failure. A relief, no?!

Failure is merely one potential side effect of doing almost anything in life—funding a project, changing our food habits, starting a new exercise program, getting married, moving—they all are acts fraught with the potential for failure. Any ambition is.

So, why do we all seem to take failure so personally?

Part of the reason may be that we forget we have feet of clay, that we’re human and therefore fallible. Another reason may be that we were punished for failing in the past by well-meaning (and not so well-meaning) parents, teachers and/or other authority figures.

Whatever the reason, we do not need to continue the litany of abuse.

One of the best things we can do on the heels of failure is to get up, dust ourselves off, and if the thing is still worth doing/worth pursuing, try again.

Only this time make some changes. Take stock of any mistakes that were made and/or improvements that can be implemented.  

Remember, when you fall off the proverbial horse you just need to get back on—don’t wait too long, don’t dither, just do it.

All of which is to say, that when we experience failure we need to remember our only job is to keep our head on, make an assessment and move forward on a new course of consistent action.

Failure is essentially impersonal. It’s how we choose to handle failure that makes all the difference in outcomes.

Also, (listen closely) failure is often the bridge to more favourable outcomes, so don’t malign your failures they’re potentially a gift in disguise. 

Treat them with respect. Handle them with care.

Living the Life You Are Capable of Living

“There is no passion to be found in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” –Nelson Mandela

In the past when I’ve entertained such notions often my inner critic would leap fearfully in, warning me to be practical, that living in greater alignment with my values and ideals isn’t realistically going to put food on the table.

To be sure, it is important to give practical consideration to the everyday business of keeping a roof over one’s head and food on the table, but what we should all be increasingly skeptical of, is that our ability to do this should exist mutually exclusive of living in alignment with our passion and sense of purpose in life.

I just don’t think I’m here merely to survive, nor do I believe that you are here merely to put up with it all and then die (apologies for my bluntness). So, what then?

When I read the quote above, something crystallized for me, and I hope it will for you also—that there is no point in settling for a life that is less than the one we are capable of living. That is, it is pointless to settle for a life that is less than the one we are capable of living.

What does that mean? To me it means that to the extent that we settle for a life lived according to the dictates of others, to the extent that we fail to recognize the unique offering that our life is and/or place some real value on its expression, is the same extent to which we will—in all likelihood—find our life lacking verve and vitality.

Which is to say, that anytime we sell out, fail to take our dreams seriously, or neglect to perceive our life and who we are as worthy of our own investment, we end up living half-lives. We end up living lives that are much less than we are capable of living.

Bottom line: we are capable of much more than we often dare to dream is possible and therefore end up settling for less, and this is a real tragedy.

So, what to do?

I always recommend starting with a little research. Become a better listener, be curious and take notes about what makes your heart come alive, what piques real interest and enthusiasm (or even a little interest and enthusiasm).

Start journaling, for this is often a great way to uncover your soul material. Get out in the world. Take yourself on dates to workshops or classes that are exploring territory you think you may be interested in. You will meet lots of like-minded souls, be inspired and find support for your dreams.

Whatever you do, be consistent, keep moving one small step at a time in the direction that moves you, that stirs something vital in your inner being. And remember:

1.     There will be risk involved.

2.     It won’t be easy.

3.     But it will be well worth the effort and any discomfort involved.

Passion is the essence of life. It is therefore a necessity and something well worth practical consideration in crafting a life of robust joy, contentment and inner peace.

Feeling Stuck? - How to locate useful answers by means of asking thoughtful questions.

Ever feel stuck? Ever feel that despite all the effort of looking for answers, to whatever challenge currently dominates your life, solutions remain elusive? It may be time to consider asking some thoughtful questions.

Questions are like keys that unlock doors in our lives—they inspire curiosity and wonder, loosen old ways of perceiving a situation and create space where new and innovative answers can make an appearance.

The challenge, then, is to find the right questions to release what is locked up in our minds and hearts in terms of a solution.

One good way to start is by brainstorming an exhaustive list of questions. Take a few minutes, for example, to develop a page full of questions about your current challenge and pay attention to the ones that hold an emotional charge—those are the ones likely to be provocative and lead to innovative answers and/or solutions.

Also, examine your pattern of thinking as revealed in the type of questions you ask, and consider what that reveals.

I would also urge that this should be done more than once and in a state of focused presence. Spend a few minutes just being quiet and still—breathe—then when you feel a little more centered, begin.

Be ready for not just one answer to appear, but a few. Also be ready for the appearance of more questions.

Remember this is a process, that the answers to our dilemmas are worthy of our time and patience.

It takes as long as it takes.

Feeling stuck is indicative of being in a liminal space (a sacred space in between where we were before and where we hope, eventually, to be), and although it can be uncomfortable, this space in-between is fertile and full of possibility. It is worthy of our respect and reverence.

In the end, cultivating the ability to ask good questions, fosters the ability to find good answers.

Ask good questions.