Partnered or Single?

I have written before about the importance of cultivating a strong sense of internal solidarity with oneself and this week, when I came across the term 'singlism', I was made aware of a related social phenomenon--the rise in the number of adults who live the single life and contend with the stigma that is often attached to it.

I dislike the creation of more 'isms', however, I cannot dispute the importance of pointing out the social inequities between coupled vs. single people, status being the main one. 

I do not experience my state of being as inherently impoverished and yet we all seem to unquestioningly accept the cultural mythology which perceives the single person (especially the single woman) as inherently pitiable. 

I have observed as many pitiable marriages (including my former own) as I have the pitiable lives of some single people, which makes me think that the issue is not one of who is more to be pitied--people living solo or those living in a community of two. 

The issue in my opinion is one of using whatever circumstances you may find yourself in to elicit warmth, intimacy and love.

This brings me back to the importance of connection. Couples are as dependent on their wider social relations for intimacy and love as single people are, at least if they are smart. 

Expecting a person to be one's sole source of satisfaction where intimacy and warmth are concerned is the foundation on which many relationships are founded and founder. Can we so readily idealize coupledom when this is the case? My favourite writer Thomas Moore furthers the point when he asserts that we have a tendency to sentimentalize the whole notion of relationship, romantic or not.

It seems to me that, fundamentally, life is a solo journey that we embark on alongside others, but essentially are alone with. The one person we always have is our self and this self should not be treated as second rate. Value should be placed on the inner life, our happiness, pleasure and fulfillment. This should not depend on whether there is another person there to share it with or not. 

Our passions, interests and talents remain important sources of vitality whether coupled or not.

Don't wait for validation through someone else's presence in your life, choose to define yourself. A strong sense of internal clarity and integrity is the cornerstone on which to build the life of our dreams and other people can share in that, but their presence isn't pre-requisite.

Intimate relationships are ultimately gifts. Sometimes the dance lasts a lifetime, sometimes an evening, the point is never to forget that the answers to personal fulfillment lie not in the life of these others, but the life inside ourselves. 

Personal sovereignty (self-confidence, passion and vitality) is its own reward, something that exists independent of our intimate connections and experiences with others.