“We are not the same persons this year as
last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to
love a changed person.”
–W. Somerset Maugham
I don’t think the truth revealed in this
quote can be understated. We demand much of our relationships, but almost
always viewing them through a lens which doesn’t allow for the differences that
crop up over time as a result of change.
Life is a
dynamic process, always. There is never a point in time in which the life
inside us ceases to move, re-shaping itself over and over and over again.
It is amazing,
therefore, to have the experience of a healthy, longstanding relationship with
another person. Navigating these inevitable shifts within our own
personalities, value systems and perspectives is hard enough, let alone
managing them well in concert with the same taking place in the life of others.
I am not criticizing the desire for relationships that last, but I am questioning the expectation that (given the
dynamics mentioned above) they should necessarily be expected to last in one particular form.
It is worth
noting at this juncture, that longevity is not necessarily a sign of health in
a relationship. I have witnessed many a longstanding relationship to succumb to rot for the inability to either mend things or move on.
It may then be
advisable to measure our success in relationship less by the length of time
that passes, than by the quality of our interactions moment to moment.
Perhaps this is
why relationship is often compared to dance. Dance makes space for the idea of
relationship as a dynamic, continuous process that requires us to cultivate
strength, presence and the ability to move through the ups and downs,
beginnings and endings, with an increasing sense of fluidity and grace.
In other words,
the object is not that the dance should last forever, it is to dance from
beginning to inevitable end as well as we can in any given moment in time.
Best to leave
any sense of expectation or entitlement behind where the question of longevity
is concerned.
Change is
inevitable. There is nothing to bargain with here. We merely get to decide what
action we will take in response, whether the change be that inside ourselves or
others near and dear.
And while this reality may be sobering, I think it is also hopeful for the freedom it reveals we have in any given moment in time, to choose that which augers well for life, passion and vitality.
Our happiness never depends on one particular relationship working out forever and ever, it depends on an openness of heart to meet all relationships with a degree of respect (self and other) which includes letting go if need be.
