Meeting Our Needs

What does it really mean to meet our own needs? I have been thinking about this a lot lately, as I feel strongly about self-sufficiency, but I try to remember, as well, that we live in a world interdependent with others, that we necessarily depend on others even as they depend on us. So, where does that leave us with this idea of meeting our own needs?

I believe if we treat ourselves with care, we will naturally treat others with care too, but it all starts at home. Our ability to care for others in some honest, good-hearted way is directly related to the way we do or do not meet our own needs—body mind, spirit and soul. This is why it is important to take seriously our responsibility to look after ourselves.

By taking good care of ourselves, we take good care of others. 

For, if I am looking after myself the best I am able, then the people who surround me are free to do the same for themselves, leaving open the possibility for then relating together in a more open, free and authentic way.

Taking honest stock of what our actual needs versus desires are is a good idea too. In fact, this is really the crux of the matter because very often we confuse the two. Then we look to sources outside ourselves for our happiness and fulfillment, and become potential parasites in the life of other people (as they may with us). 

In this way, we risk creating co-dependent relationships rather than inter-dependent ones. Co-dependent relationships are energy draining and destructive, inter-dependent relationships are mutually energizing and life-enhancing.

Lastly, keep in mind, that your ability to meet your own needs is directly related to an ability to be honest with yourself, regarding yourself. 

You need to know something about who you are, something about the wisdom in just being yourself, if you are to be effective in your efforts at self-care. 

Plumb your inner depths and you will find a rich source of fulfillment and happiness. Meet your own needs this way and you not only nourish yourself, but everyone you know as well.

Inter-dependency is an artful dance, make it fun, let it inspire you…

The Pleasure Guru Speaks

The Greek philosopher Epicurus is often associated with the idea that life should at its heart be pleasant. One of his central tenants states that:

“It is impossible to live pleasantly without living wisely and honourably and justly, and it is impossible to live wisely and honourably and justly without living pleasantly.”

I never really thought about the interdependent nature of pleasure and wisdom, but as I ruminate further on it, it seems almost self-evident.

For instance, I think there is an enormous amount of pleasure to be derived from observing the play of morning light as it filters through the leaves in a canopy of trees. Or the way light moves when it bounces off lake water and onto the old wooden boards of a boathouse wall. These moments hold potential for arresting our attention and turning us inward, making us more thoughtful and aware.

So too, taking pleasure in our relationships with others, our friendships, requires a degree of maturity and wisdom, even while the pleasant experience of their company helps to ripen us into fuller, richer human beings. Their differing perspectives and experiences teach us a little more about what it means to be human, what it means to be alive in a world of complexity and contradiction.

Something as simple as food becomes a source of pleasure, especially when we make the effort to be present and take the time to craft a tasty meal, sharing it with others. The act of sharing such an experience can help mould us into individuals of dignity and respect through honouring those who are our guests, with our careful effort.

I love the idea that life at its heart should be a pleasant experience, and I believe that our efforts toward living with a certain degree of grace, integrity and self-respect are intimately tied to our ability to experience pleasure.

Pleasure wants us to go slow, to savour our moments, to respect life. It isn’t meant to be an endless succession of pain and suffering.

Again, cultivating mindfulness and a heightened awareness of both our inner realm and the outer goes far in manifesting the experience of pleasure making it both more likely and more intense. And who couldn’t use a little more of that in their life?

Something that almost instantly heightens pleasure for me is the mindset of gratitude, being grateful for my life and all I enjoy in it. 

This practice makes me more aware that there is a lot in my life that is going very well, even while I may struggle with its inherent challenges. 

So, make pleasure a priority, become more aware and it will make its presence known.

End Your Suffering Now

I thought I’d write today about spiritual jargon phrases like ‘present moment’, ‘be in the moment,’ ‘all we have is the moment’… I think we’ve heard these phrases so often that they’ve lost some of their original potency and instead sound sort of cheap and cliché—their actual meaning having been obscured under a thick fog of platitudinal dogma.

However, these phrases point out something that is of fundamental importance in life and that is this:  the importance of paying attention to what is actually happening inside and all around us, versus the habitual use of our mind to filter out what we don’t like, or can’t handle, via conceptually tweaking our ‘reality’ so it more closely resembles what we’d prefer.

The reason for grounding ourselves in the actual, is because it is in our best interests to know what we are actually dealing with, and so that we know how to best position ourselves in relationship to it. 

Seeking refuge in the shelter of our daydreams is understandable, not to mention pleasant, but not very practical. Like it or not, we will repeatedly be forced to confront what is real—the contents of the actual present moment.

The conceptual is best used as a tool to sort out the contents of reality, to envision better ways of living and being in the world, for example. Using the power of our minds to conceptualize escapist fantasies is often counter-productive and, arguably, an abuse/waste of the ability to think. 

If we use the power of our minds to better understand and creatively deal with what is actually our reality, then our actions stand a much better chance of doing no harm and enhancing life.

 That is worth all the initial pain and frustration of coming to terms with what is. Because, let’s face it, pushing actual reality away, rejecting it, is a sure recipe for doubling our suffering, and who needs the extra pain and drama? 

Suffering is exponentially more likely when we are out of touch with reality. 

At least when we come to terms with what is, we can respond by making the most of even bad situations, providing optimal conditions for doing the least amount of damage.

In our search for the truth it is incumbent upon us to be brutally honest with ourselves. We need to make sure that our lives are built upon the solid foundation of the actual, rather than the shifting sands of the conceptual. The conceptual has its place, but it must be handled with intelligence and care.

When we live in the present (the actual, Now) our expectations naturally align with current realities, and not our wishful thinking. This opens the door to mental and emotional liberation, and an increased ability to manage our lives with some degree of grace. 

Then we can relax and begin to enjoy our lives a little more just the way they are.

How to Be Deeply Happy

Happiness seems to be the holy grail of our times. The quest for it is perennial, its attainment apparently elusive. I think this elusive quality may stem from the fact that people tend to think of it in terms of acquisition, they look for it outside themselves, as an addition to their lives, rather than as something inherent or intrinsic to the human experience. 

But experience originates, inside us, therefore, it may be that the experience of happiness is something we merely need to uncover and be more aware of in ourselves, rather than something we try and add like salt to our food.

Perhaps we just lack a sufficient amount of gratitude. If we have a tendency not to appreciate ourselves or our lives, in some basic sense, we diminish the miracle that a human life really is. 

And let’s face it, we do, at times, find near endless fault with ourselves, others and life as it is, driven by expectations that have little or no basis in that reality. Consequently, we enjoy only a shallow self-acceptance. 

So, how can we expect to be happy, if we are daily, unconsciously, cultivating a practice of rejection and diminishment?

If we want to be happy we need to cultivate self-acceptance and appreciation of what is, on a much deeper level, which, I believe, means giving up our addiction to psychological and spiritual hygiene.

Waiting to fully accept ourselves until we have achieved this misguided, sanitized ideal of mental, emotional and physical health, will never result in happiness because we are trying to rid ourselves of the very failures, neuroses and confusion by which we are humbled and potentially grow into richer, more creative, compassionate human beings. 

We need to accord these things proper respect, they have their role to play. That being said, we must also learn to manage them with greater skill.

Part of this skill lies in the cultivation of awareness. Meaning that we endeavour to anchor ourselves in reality, in who we are now, where we are now—in Now. The inherent joy in living is an experience of the present, everything else is a wraith of the past or future—the two places where our discontent and fear are made most manifest. No real happiness there.

Practicing this skill involves just sitting somewhere quiet for a few minutes focusing your attention on your breath. No agenda, no ideas of getting somewhere with it, just do it and let the experience happen. Breathe. Let it wash over you and make its impression. Don’t make it bad or good, or right or wrong—suspend judgment, and let it be whatever it is.

Just by stopping for these few minutes, we arrest the habit of rejection for a few minutes, creating a space a few minutes long, which is full of transformative energy. 

This is the art of not rejecting (loving) ourselves, how we augment life, rather than diminish it.

In these few minutes, happiness has a chance to make itself known. 

My Personal Credo

At the end of my last post I mentioned something about ‘just relax, be here now and breathe.’ Um, yes, an edict that requires some explanation, especially if this is a new way of thinking about things and the life you currently lead is not quite in line with ‘just’ relaxing. 

So, I thought it might be helpful to share how I made some of the alterations I have in my style of living, which is tailored to support a practice of relaxing more, being here now and breathing.

1.    Be Real: First and foremost I really had to come to terms with the fact that a too busy life, revolving around the acquisition of power and things (whatever the rationale for it) was not going to render much peace in my life. To the contrary, it was draining me and making me miserable. I wanted a life that breathed, and for that you need breathing room—I needed to simplify.

2.   Simplify: Finding the value in simplicity, prioritizing it, meant a radical editing of my possessions and downsizing in general. This was done in stages, a little here and a little there based on the following rule of thumb: get rid of all that is unnecessary, keep only what is essential. Getting clearer about what my values and priorities were (through that process) led to a natural re-vamping of my habits. With fewer possessions to attend to and a lighter schedule, there was less getting in the way. I had more time—the breathing room I craved.

3.   Practice: With more time came the liberty to spend it focusing on my priorities, the contemplative arts—those activities which help to center and ground me in the present like writing, reading, journaling, meditating, stretching, walking, etc. A calmer mind then led to an increased ability to manage the inevitable chaos of life, without losing perspective as much.

4.   Be More Discerning: The fruit of my contemplative practice rendered a shift in my activities. It became important to me to be more aware of what effect my environment and activities were having on me—were they aiding in the cultivation of a peaceful mind and a warm heart, or were they eroding it? I paid closer attention to my habits and worked on aligning them more closely with my values.

5.    Commit: Finally, I made a commitment to keeping things radically simple. Complicated life philosophies were out, ‘do no harm’ and ‘reverence for life’, were in. I have discovered there is no need to make it more complicated than that. It’s challenging, but definitely doable, and very rewarding!

The primary value I have found in this simple way of life, is its nourishing depth, richness and freedom, but we have to show up for it and we show up by slowing down, being here now and breathing.  

The True Nature of Generosity

To give is non-attachmment, 
that is,  
just not to attach to anything is to give.

This excerpt comes from Shunryu Suzuki’s book Zen Mind Beginner’s Mind and from my perspective really deepens the whole notion of what it means to give, to be generous.

When we practice not attaching to anything, our acts of giving, do not derive from familial or societal scripts, but a place as inevitable as the warmth and light of the sun—being, an organic process, simple. 

I think the implication here, is that generosity is embedded in our original nature, much as it is in the nature of the sun, which simply shines, does not expect anything in return, does not moralize, it just shines.

Our existence derives from the same universe as the sun,  so our genius is really a gift from the universe to us—it does not exist as a personal achievement except in the small ego-driven sense. Therefore, as an expression of our original nature, it must manifest like the rays of the aforementioned sun, as a source of inevitable light and warmth—a true act of generosity. 

To become burdened by attachment to the products of this genius, to start grading and evaluating their worth, is to pollute an otherwise inevitable, joyful process.

We seem to have a tendency to warp the whole idea of giving too, by layering it with self-interested, anxious ideas such as a right to entitlement or reciprocity, but as I have outlined above, the origins of true generosity stem from a deeper place. 

By definition a gift cannot have any strings attached to it or it isn’t a gift, is it?

When we are centered in non-attachment or being, any actions arising from this place are as natural and simple as the wind blowing, the rain falling or the sun shining. We create because it is in our nature to do so—the nature of the Tao. 

This might be designing the next Taj Mahal, cleaning the house or walking the dog--any action that comes from the deepest recesses of one's spiritual core. Perhaps related to talents and abilities, but not to any desire for fame, money, recognition, or success.

So, being (non-attachment) is the origin of generosity—part of the art of doing nothing. 

We just need to relax, be here now and breathe—that’s freedom!

Writing and the Art of Emotional Liberation

The arts in general are a means of conveying feeling and thought, a way of exploring and expressing the inner mystery that every life ultimately is. 

Writing—in a society whose dominant means of discourse is the spoken word—is an art that is especially accessible and well-suited to this endeavour. So, I wanted to share some ideas about how to use writing as a tool for getting to know yourself better, and why this might be a good idea.

Part of the peace and happiness project depends on coming to terms with our very human nature—our frailties, our foibles. We all have feet of clay. Getting some of the chaos down on paper can help shed light and be liberating. Let’s start with journal writing.

Journal writing can be used to log daily activities, ideas, notes to self, rants, or even drawings. It can also be used as a place to safely and honestly convey our feelings about ourselves, others or life generally. The point in journaling is to make a record of whatever is going on inside us so that we can peruse it later.

With the passage of time journal writing becomes particularly powerful and effective, because it then allows us to look at our psychological insides from a distance, in a more objective fashion. This is where enlightenment happens, when the proverbial light bulb goes on. Journaling empowers us to be our own guru.

Essay writing is another form of writing that is good for getting in touch with ourselves because it is neither a factual article nor a story, yet it is something of both. I like essay writing for the creative latitude it provides when focusing on a specific theme. Almost anything is good as subject matter here, but it might be helpful, in terms of self-discovery, to explore themes relating to what we are, or are not, passionate about, what matters to us.

Essay writing has a wide scope, is versatile and it is this versatility that enables the essay to yield such a wide variety of information both about us, and our topic.

Lastly, I would like to encourage you to try your hand at poetry. Poetry is a wonderful medium for conveying thoughts and feelings. In my experience writing even bad poetry has a very cathartic, soothing effect on mind, spirit and soul!

Journaling, essay writing and poetry all are great tools to employ in the quest for greater understanding.  One caveat though: suspend judgment when reading (don’t make it right, don’t make it wrong, don’t make it good or bad). Just let it sink in and do its work. Give yourself lots of time to process. Breathe…

…be patient, for as the Dalai Lama tweeted recently “…the source of happiness and warm-heartedness, lies within us.” 

There’s motivation for getting in touch with ourselves!

The Art of Doing Nothing

“Let go of what has passed.
Let go of what may come.

Let go of what is happening now. 
Don’t try to figure anything out.
Don’t try to make anything happen.

Relax right now and rest.”   --Tilopa

 What?! Don’t try to figure anything out, or make anything happen? These six instructions deriving from Tibetan Buddhism, are antithetical to North American cultural perspectives which lay much emphasis on the art and science of control. 

But there is sense in them, for grasping and obsessing over things I know makes me crazy. So, how can we function in some sort of happy, relaxed, sane way if we are driven to succeed in this manner? 

Letting go requires a little faith in the universe. Something many of us are a little short on. But relaxation depends on it and our ability to function sanely and happily rest our ability to relax at least a little. 

I am neither a philosopher, nor an accomplished spiritual adept, so there is undoubtedly more to the teachings than immediately meets the eye. 

My intention in sharing them is simply to encourage curiosity, to get people seriously questioning the sanity of continuing to live according to cultural scripts, that compromise mental, emotional and physical wellbeing,  in the name of success.

So, how about an art of doing nothing?

Cultivating contentment, sitting quietly with a cup of tea, breathing, feeling and imbibing the whole experience at leisure? 

I feel better just thinking about it, like I might be more able to let go of what is happening now and not burden myself with figuring anything out—in a word, I feel spacious.  

And in the peaceful calm of that rarified place what is there really to figure out?

That's where its all going on ... 

If you're interested, watch this video. It is a great TED talk given by Michael Benner on emotional intelligence, meditation and happiness which nicely augments what I have presented here.

A Modern Pilgrimage

I have come to light, at long last, in my home province of British Columbia, Canada. I was not intending such a lengthy hiatus from writing, but circumstances required it and now, happily, I’m back.

My journey of late got me to thinking about the whole notion of a life’s path as pilgrimage, an effort which circles around staying in touch with the source of all life—Tao, Nature, the divine, whatever you like to call it. 

I’m a complete neophyte when it comes to all this really, but I feel it is important and somehow central to my life.

Consequently, I have made a deeper commitment to practices which help foster reverence for life. I think it is essential to prioritize this orientation, for if we do not view our lives, the earth and all life on the planet as sacred, we will only succeed in continuing to violate and destroy it. 

Call me crazy, but I can’t see the upside of that…I’m not innocent, though, I have committed my share of the violations, I would simply like to make a bigger effort at making fewer.

It seems like nature plays a key role in all this, as exposing myself to the rejuvenating effects of its energy can be tremendously healing, a reminder that I am connected in some indelible way to the Whole. 

Being a little more awake to habits of consumption is important too. The music, food, people, games, reading material, and films we have exposure to all influence and shape us, so it makes sense to be a little more aware of their effect on mind, body and psyche. 

Pilgrimage, as I envision it, is an excellent practice for honouring the sacred dimensions of our existence. There is little precedent for it in modern society, but we might look to more traditional societies for inspiration, to find pieces of that which we may have lost—a deep, fundamental respect and reverence for life.